Thursday, May 18, 2017

I'm Calm


They Promised Her the Moon



I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I'm perfectly calm,
I'm utterly under control.
I haven't a worry:
Where others would hurry I stroll.
I'm calm,
I'm cool,
A gibbering fool
Is something I never become.
When thunder is rumbling
And others are crumbling,
I hum.*




On Friday night last week May 5th, I received a text from my friend (and dialect coach) Amanda Quaid at around 8.30p.m. I had been teaching for The Actor's Friend and was relaxing with a glass of wine at my favorite midtown bar, L'ybane. The text was asking what I was up to and that she had put my name in the mix as an immediate replacement for an actress who had left the play that Amanda was in. Another glass of pinot grigio down and I had locked myself in the bathroom to take a 'phone call from a director, Valentina Fratti. She told me about the play and the characters I would portray (a teacher, Jerrie Cobb's mother, a fan girl, a scientist and a reporter).  I immediately liked Valentina from just this 10 minute call. She was clearly passionate about the play and if Amanda was involved, well it seemed like a no brainer. One slight catch: there were 3 days left of rehearsal before tech and then first preview set for the following Friday night. SIX DAYS!  

 
Colour coding my script for the different characters.

I must think calm comforting things,
Butterfly wings,
Emerald rings,
Or a murmuring brook,
Murmuring, murmuring, murmuring...look,
I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I haven't a qualm,
I'm utterly under control.
Let nothing confuse me
Or faze me  -  
Excuse me.
I'm calm.
Oh so calm.*






I rushed home to check my email for the script.  I read it, loved it and went to bed (after a series of frantic texts back and forth with Amanda and Valentina) for a fitful night of sleep before my first day of rehearsal on Saturday.To say I was terrified was an understatement.  The physical sensation of the anxiety rushing through my body was overwhelming. These people had put their trust in me and I did not want to let anyone down. When I was greeted with gratitude and praise by a room full of strangers, I felt a severe case of imposter syndrome. 


Amanda Quaid as Jerrie Cobb and Polly McKie as Helena Cobb in They Promised Her the Moon
Photo Credit:  Jeremy Daniel



Friends and family asked the obvious question: "How are you going to learn all those lines?".  Yes, of course that was a concern!  And I am grateful to the friends and colleagues who drilled me. But there is so much more to it than that. 5 costumes, various entrances and exits but most of all, the actor's homework. My training at HB Studio prepared me for that. And the work I have done since. There is always more work to do. Layers to discover. Even when I was in a good run at The Mint in "A Day by the Sea", I was discovering new things 2 months into performances. 


Polly McKie, John Russell and Amanda Quaid in
They Promised her the Moon.
Photo Credit:  Jeremy Daniel

I must think calm comforting things,
Butterfly wings,
Emerald rings,
Or a murmuring brook,
Murmuring, murmuring, murmuring...look,
I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I haven't a qualm,
I'm utterly under control.
Let nothing confuse me
Or faze me-- [yawn] --
Excuse me.
I'm calm.
Oh so calm.*




During this experience, I have fallen on my face (figuratively and literally), I have cried, forgotten lines, vomited, walked backstage half naked because I forgot what change I was on, had the most vivid anxiety dreams (continuing) and worked harder than I thought was possible.  Last Tuesday (the day before tech and 3 days into rehearsals for me), I had a meltdown and kept saying I could not physically do it. I was the opposite of "The Little Engine That Could". I prayed, I cried and I kept chugging away. I could not have done it if it were not for the trust, talent, good humour, sheer class and monumental support of this cast and crew. And of course the love and support sent across the pond by my ever faithful family (I have to include that sentence for my mother).

Edmund Lewis, Andrus Nichols and Amanda Quaid
Photo Credit:  Jeremy Daniel

I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I'm perfectly calm,
Indifferent to tensions and shocks.
Unruffled and ready,
My nerves are as steady
As rocks.*
Polly McKie, John Leonard Thompson,
Amanda Quaid and John Russell
Photo Credit:  Jeremy Daniel





I'm calm, controlled,
So cool that I'm cold,
Aloofer than any giraffe.
When something's the matter,
Where others would shatter
I laugh.
I must breathe deep, ever so deep,
Think about sheep
Going to sleep,
Stop and count up to ten, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9...when
You need aplomb
And want to be calm
'Cause life is a horrible dream,
Just count up to ten
Very slowly, and then--
SCREAM!*

Life is a glorious dream and I am blessed to be living the one I was given.

*"I'm Calm" from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"
Music and Lyrics by Steven Sondheim