And Still You're Grateful

You're always sorry,
You're always grateful,
You're always wondering what might have been.
Then she walks in.

And still you're sorry,
And still you're grateful,
And still you wonder and still you doubt.
And she goes out.*

(The "she" in this is referring to the men's wives. It is something different for me. It can be something different for you too. The genius of Sondheim's lyrics. Interpret as you see fit, dear reader.)



Thanksgiving is a holiday I have fully embraced since first moving to the U.S. 5 years ago. I love the sentiment, I love the invitations, I love the people and I love the food! It's like Christmas without the stress.

First attempt cooking for Thanksgiving in NYC, 2009.

What I love most is the fact that people take time to reflect on what they are thankful for. Something we should be doing daily. And, in this business, it is certainly something that helps our sanity. A time to reflect regularly about what we have that we should be grateful for.

As I get older, I realise that so many of the things that I felt sorry, sad and regretful about are the things that I realise now were the right things for me. Things that happened for a reason. Even if I could not see it at the time.

In no particular order, I am grateful for:

1.  The fact that I am unwell right now. I have inflammation of the lungs so am at home resting and have time to write this blog just in time for Thanksgiving.

2.  Not going to drama school when I was 22.  When I was in my final year of high school, I played Meg Brockie in "Brigadoon" and then sang in an end of year concert.  And that last month of school planted the seed that I might actually be able to pursue acting as a career.  It had not been a serious option before.  But I had two wonderful teachers who saw something special in me and even my father paid me a compliment, so I knew it must be serious.  I went to University, as planned and studied for my MA in Philosophy and Theatre with the aim of going to drama school in London when I graduated. I fluffed one audition and had fallen in love so did not even apply to any other schools. Love and youth. Spent my twenties regretting it and now I am so very grateful! My thirties are so much better.

Everything's different,
Nothing's changed,
Only maybe slightly
Rearranged.*

3.  So many wonderful teachers. Teachers who have challenged me. Teachers who have become my friends. So many wonderful students.  Students who have challenged me. Students who have taught me. Students who have become my friends.

Bermuda High School trip to NYC

Recording radio shows with ACTeen Juniors

4.  Having my heart broken. The material I have been able to use in my acting work is endless. There was one man in particular that I thought I would spend the rest of my life mourning. Now I realise that it would have been a disaster if we had stayed together. I thank God every day that I did not marry him.

You don't live for her,

You do live with her,

You're scared she's starting to drift away  

And scared she'll stay.*

5.  Netflix.  Cable became so expensive and I, like so many actors, am broke.  So I cancelled it.  Netflix is wonderful. And I am watching some excellent stuff (most recently "Breaking Bad") instead of lying on the couch in a coma watching some reality crap on cable.  Watching good acting and feeling inspired.

6.  Clinical depression. I have battled with depression for years. I am grateful for it and the challenges it brings. And, as ever, how it helps with the actor's homework. I do not trust people who are happy all the time!

You're sorry-grateful,

Regretful-Happy.

Why look for answers where none occur?*

7.  Being Scottish!

Dancing a Gay Gordon's at The Caledonian Ball in Bermuda.

I have several issues with being Scottish here and working as an alien. There are challenges in addition to the normal challenges American actors face. I am not allowed to join Equity here and have had to turn down work as a result. But, I look at the positive. It makes me stronger and more determined. Besides, being Scottish is pure dead brilliant!

8.  Not getting jobs after auditions. Before acting, I got every job I applied and interviewed for. I did not really understand failure properly (well, apart from getting 42% on my second year Physics exam.) Of course, when I first starting auditioning and getting callbacks, I prayed for a big break that would get me my dream job. But it did not happen. I am grateful for that. I understand the day in/day out process of auditioning and  have realised thanks to some of those wonderful teachers mentioned in 3 and my wonderful new manager Kathy Olsen of Encompass Arts that, I can give a wonderful audition and not get the part. There is so much more to casting than that (that's for another blog). But the preparation and the going out there is what matters and learning that the job is not mine is making me stronger and a better actor. Fairly recently I auditioned for one of my longtime dream roles and I did not book the gig. Of course, I was upset, but now I realise, that if I had booked the job, I would not have been able to be doing what I am loving every Monday night at The Cafe at Broadway.  (now Polly's Follies)

There are so many more things to be thankful for but I do not want to go on forever. Perhaps I'll revisit them next Thanksgiving.  

I must end the list, however, with the best. 

9.  I could not be doing any of this if it were not for these  grown-ups in my life...

My family:
Back row: Dad, my sister, Jane, brother, Andrew, Mum
Front: brother, David, me, brother Johnnie
Foreground: back of a nephew's head!

10.  ...and these wonderful little people:

Nieces and nephews:
Back row: Nancy, Molly, Flora, Tess (on my knee), Hector, Jimmy, Charlie
Front: Tom, Jock and George

*Sorry-Grateful from "Company" 
Music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim (for whom I am also eternally grateful)

www.pollymckie.com

Perpetual Anticipation

Perpetual anticipation
Is good for the soul
But it's bad for 
The heart.*



This weekend I drank the bottle of fizz that my friend, Jean Ann Garrish, gave me for my birthday back in April.  I had explained to her that, in the past, I always had a bottle of champagne in my fridge so that I would be ready to celebrate but that, in recent years, I had neglected the habit.  So she gave me a bottle to remind me.  My sister and her husband drink fizz in times of trouble.  As Napoleon said "Champagne: in victory you deserve it. In defeat, you need it!"

It has been one of those weeks.  Victory and defeat.  And waiting.


It's very good for
Practicing self-control.
It's very good for
Morals, but
Bad for morale.*

Being an actor means a whole lot of waiting.  Waiting to be seen at E.P.A. (a whole different level of waiting for the non-union, as discussed in Merrily We Roll Along, and ...roll along, following dreams.); waiting for an appointment after submitting; waiting for your agent to call, waiting for a cmail (not a typo  - an actors' access reference), waiting to hear about a callback, waiting for a job offer, waiting in the wings, waiting for the next season of "Orange is the New Black" on Netflix.

This week has been a week of waiting.


Well, of course, much more than this week!  I have waited since childhood to start following my dream.  Several false starts and deciding to take the plunge in my thirties (Growing Up).


So many status updates on facebook read "I nailed my audition"  "Callback: woot, woot".  What does that even mean?  I am betting 90% of them do not book the job (not based on any scientific facts!)  Actors do not come out thinking they nailed the audition.  Or is that just me?  I ALWAYS think I could have done more, done better, done more and better.  But I do know that I did an acceptable job at this particular audition.  I did my work.  They liked me.  I rarely feel that but sometimes you just know.  And this is a role I want to play.  A job I really wanted.  

And so the waiting started. 

Perpetual anticipation's a
Delicate art:
Playing a role,
Aching to start,
Keeping control
While falling apart.

Perpetual anticipation
Is good for the soul
But it's bad for 
The heart.*

This is when my 'phone becomes an issue.  Did I miss a call?  Double checking. Triple checking.  Posting on Callback Corner on Audition Update.  Going on the subway and praying for a voicemail when you come back up out of the ground.  

Well, after four long days, the waiting was over.  I did not book the job.  At least my waiting was put to an end.  The director was lovely enough to email me and tell me how much they liked my work. That's a rare thing. When I was called back for Mrs. Brill in Mary Poppins, the call came over two months after my first audition.  Four days is nothing.  Even if it seemed like an eternity at the time.

So, that was my defeat.  That accounted for half of the bottle of fizz. 

I have been lucky enough to be in email touch with a wonderful manager.  After several emails and attempts to find time, we finally met last week.  I knew in my gut from the emails that I liked her.  And I was right.  She's even better in person!  Thank you, Kathy Olsen and Encompass Arts!

Now, I'd better go out to Sussex Wines and buy a new bottle of champagne to keep in the fridge so I am ready for the next victory.  Ready to do some more waiting...and grateful for it all.

*Perpetual Anticipation from "A Little Night Music": Stephen Sondheim, of course.

www.pollymckie.com